‘Yellow’

By Anonymous

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do

56 hours, 37 minutes, and 14 seconds. That’s how long it had been since Ash had gotten the call. It had been a dark night when he waited on that rooftop, the song already playing in his mind before his love would play it for him out loud, his voice melodious and blending into the soft breeze. He remembered humming the lyrics to himself. He’d wanted to ask him something, but that’s all Ash remembered him saying before he’d left. Ash remembered that moment so clear in his head – when Sam had turned around, put his earbuds in, and started walking away from him. Ash remembered hearing him, faintly singing;

Yeah, they were all yellow,
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called yellow.

Yellow. That was their song. It was the first song that Sam had ever played him up on the rooftop, in the warmth of midnight, during the warmest day of the summer. And the last words he ever heard from Sam. The last words Sam ever spoke. That call had ruined Ash, left him lying awake in his unmade bed, screaming at the ceiling until his voice was gone. Afterwards, he stayed there motionless, wishing for sleep – a hopeful escape that never came. The day after was the hardest. Ash went through the videos that were left on his phone, and he lost himself in the sound of Sam singing. He could always sing so well, expressing a million emotions in a single note. He used to bring Ash back up to the rooftop where they first met, on the nights where the sky cleared after the rain, and Sam would pick up his guitar and play for him.

So, then I took my turn,
What a thing to’ve done,
And it was all yellow.

Sometimes, Sam even let Ash rest his head on his lap while he was playing. These were the moments Ash loved most – just him, Sam, the music, and the night.
His funeral was today. Ash debated whether or not to go. He didn’t need yet another reminder that his entire world was dead and gone forever – but he knew, deep down, that he had to go, for Sam. As he walked into the funeral home, quiet and full of wilting flowers, he heard the song that was playing. It was a recording of Sam, singing;

Your skin,
Oh yeah, your skin and bones,
Turn into something beautiful,
Do you know,
You know I love you so,
You know I love you so…

He couldn’t do it anymore. It was too much – why did they play that song? Ash knew he had to be there for Sam, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t go through those doors where the music was still playing, where Sam’s body lay, devoid of the warmth and colour and beauty that made Ash fall in love with him. Ash couldn’t do it anymore. He broke down crying, his grief spilling out and leaving stains on his cheeks. At some point, someone had helped him inside. He didn’t know who, or when, just that now he was standing in front of Sam’s body, a shadow of a smile still on his face. He looked so peaceful, as if he was merely lying in bed, about to wake up to the morning sun. A part of Ash hoped he would wake up, and sing while making breakfast, the lyrics Sam had sung just a couple of days ago while dancing in the kitchen fresh in his mind.

I swam across,
I jumped across for you,
What a thing to do,
‘Cause you were all yellow.

They had baked pancakes together that morning, Ash remembered because he’d loved having Sam’s arms wrapped around his back, holding him close. He could feel their heartbeats sync in that moment, and he remembered thinking that he wanted to feel like that forever. Now, staring down at Sam’s body, he wished he could feel that again. He would have done anything to feel the warmth of his embrace, and the echo of his heartbeat. But now, that was only a memory, scattered to the winds, grasped too tightly by someone too stubborn to let go.
There was a moment where Ash was brought home and laid back on his bed, sleep still too distant for him to reach. He tried to let the tears come and run their course, but they refused. The pain weighed him down, too great for his body to let go of. The sorrow flooded into his heart and soul, and then into his mind. He heard a voice start to whisper in the back of his head, a voice he knew all too well.

I drew a line,
I drew a line for you,
What a thing to do,
And it was all yellow.

Today, Ash decided to go back to the roof. He hadn’t gone back since the last time he was there with Sam. It hadn’t ended well. They had been arguing, and Sam was mad at him for something butAsh never got to find out what it was before Sam stormed out. After he left, Ash was all alone on the rooftop, with only the dimming street lights as company. He remembered standing there that night, feeling a different kind of pain than he felt now. Then he felt something much more similar to anger than sadness, but now all he felt was just numb. He looked at the ledge where they used to sit, and saw Sam’s guitar, still propped up against the wall. Sam had tried to teach Ash once, but he only managed to get a few chords correct. This time, Sam wasn’t there to walk him through the chords, or hold his hand to the right strings, but Ash still picked up the guitar and tried to play. The second he heard the first note, a rush of emotions hit him And finally, the tears started to come. So, from the rooftops, tears blurring his vision, Ash started to sing. To the sky, the birds, anyone who might listen;

And your skin,
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know,
For you,
I’d bleed myself dry,
For you, I’d bleed myself dry.

His voice started to crack, as he sang the notes slightly off-pitch. His fingers bled, still becoming accustomed to the strings of the guitar, and his heart cracked open inside his chest bit by bit. Finally, he could unleash the emotions and set free the pain that had been festering inside of him for so long. He stared up at the stars, and somehow, he knew that wherever Sam was right now, he could see those same stars. Ash knew he was probably smiling at the sight of those little balls of flame, lighting up the midnight sky. Now, Ash wasn’t playing the guitar anymore. He held it to his chest, as he whispered the words to the song – all the while staring up at the stars, hoping that somewhere in the abyss, Sam was staring back.

It’s true
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do

Ash knew that he would see Sam again one day. It was only a matter of time, and until then he would have the stars to keep him company. Every night, they would remind him of the memories he had with Sam, each one held within its own star, waiting patiently for the day Sam and Ash could remember them together.