anonymous
Life was good, relaxing, calm, it felt like everything was going so well. I was going out, hanging out with friends, partying, getting, well…appropriate grades. There were hardly any worries, and if there were, it was about how I would get from one party to another, or get my parents permission to let me go out. I had friends with me everyday, I had places to be, getting myself busy, I felt motivated, I felt needed. Recently, I met someone, a fantastic person, he was as calm and relaxed as I once was, he had almost no worries… we became really close, and it seemed like he was the one person that truly enjoyed my company. We had our ups and downs but always stayed friends, always found a way to talk through things. I thought I had mistaken my feelings for him for enjoying his company, honestly I was not scared about what others would think, I ignored their opinions and believed in what I felt. At least, what I thought I felt. It started out amazing, we could not get enough of each other. I thought I was happy, guess I wasn’t really, well at least not sad yet.
We had our first fight, it didn’t go well, he was my boyfriend and I guess I was a bit over protective. We managed to sort things out that day, and he told me he would never give up on us. Things were starting to feel good again, just not how it used to be. I thought I was the problem. I guess it was not the right time since we got stuck, we couldn’t go out anymore, just stayed at home and managed to keep things somewhat the same. I began to act differently, I didn’t feel right, I felt as if I wasn’t myself. I thought about his interests while I have been ignoring mine, and…
I am not happy.
I began to realise that, over and over again, people say if you found the one person you truly love, every day should feel like you have just fallen in love with them. Love is not only about good times, there will definitely be arguments and fights, the truth about love is that sometimes it will hurt you, but sometimes it will make you have unexplained feelings. True love is when you still fight for each other, regardless of what has happened…well at least that’s what I thought.
We were going strong, it’s been a while, but this situation of us being at home did not make things any better. I guess we both had time to think about things, until I got a message that day, asking for time and space.
I guess that was understandable, we hardly saw each other anymore, but these small things manage to hurt me more and more everyday. I felt unwanted, I sat up at night thinking about everything, thinking about my relationship, thinking if I really made the right decision. I wanted to see if he cared about me, if he at least would notice that I am hurting.
I began to realise a lot of things, it sounds harsh but that’s how things are.
You never really think about it at first, until it slowly seeps in and begins to mess with your mind. We used to call, but I always felt that I was becoming more of a pushover. You know, I guess he had some sort of reasoning behind not talking to me anymore; things were getting busy at home and at school. At least, that was what I was told. The only thing he never realised is how much it hurt me in turn.
I had a lot of time to think, and it hurts, it hurts knowing that you’re no longer someone’s interest. It hurts knowing that you have invested so much time and effort into this relationship, praying that it works, and I now think to myself, was this all really worth it?
I had so much time to think, I discovered I was never truly happy, I was never thinking about myself and only thinking about him, about what he wanted.
That was never something that came across my mind until I actually sat down to think about it. I think about why, why am I still in this relationship, why am I still putting in the effort, just to get shot down and get hurt again.
Whenever I had seen something that was bothering me I would bring it to his attention and I would get blamed for feeling the way I felt, I would be blamed for expressing what has been on my mind. It was never something I really wanted, especially knowing that I’ve tried my best to fix things, I’ve tried everything and all my efforts were never appreciated in a way that others who aren’t even close to me would appreciate.
I was told by everyone who was close to me:
“You’re not happy, I can see this, you shouldn’t be doing something that’s not making you happy”
Is that not what life is about? I mean people go to their jobs that they don’t like but why do they do what they do?
I now know that I was never a concern, but I am still in this relationship, because relationships will have their ups and downs, but they also require effort, effort I have realised that I may or may not be willing to put in.
Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven?
Elements Magazine 